Continuing our new series of reader rants here's the opinionated Michael Foster who has his games diatribe gun set to 'scatter'. If you've got some strong feelings on particular games or the games scene in general then scribble 'em down and send 'em in. Keep it clean though, eh? Unless you've got pictures.


Getting jiggy wid it

Shut the jiggle up about the PlayStation 2, Dolphinarium thingy, Jaguar Mk XXX or whatever else has been dreamed up by your fevered minds. I'm so sick of reading pap about this thing that doesn't actually exist yet that I'm almost gnawing at the keyboard. Just play the jiggling games you've got now and have fun. Life is far too short for this sort of bullpap to perpetuate.


Balls

Am I the only person who thinks Jimmy White's 2 Cueball is an even sillier game than its nonsensical title? Please feel free to ridicule me if you can honestly pot the balls unaided, it may inspire me to try it again. The game truly reflects how difficult it is to play pool or snooker in real life but the fun has sunk without a trace in a mire of steaming cack gameplay, bad views, and the fact that it is impossible to discern on a PC the minute difference in angles between hit and miss and so on.


Arrows of truth

Darts!!! On a computer??? Jiggling pile of pap, sir. I actually got more enjoyment from playing Dropzone than the main game, although that was the only bright spark in a dire selection of sub-games. Review score: Falls out of the anus of perfect possibilities into the toilet bowl of unplayability without so much as a strain. Bran fibre points - a lowly 58%.


Pillow talk

Lara Croft can just jiggle off. In fact that conjures up an entirely unintended image. Who says the English language isn't versatile? I truly don't give a furtle about who plays her in a film or whether it's possible to see her nude. If I want to see naked ladies there are several options available to me, and most of them are far more fulfilling, and more likely to gain me a shag (or at least some form of seabird), than yearning after the unreal Ms. Croft.


Repeat to fade...

Sequels, schmequels... if it's good, who cares? Take F1'97, a great sequel (though arguably the finished version of the original and much bugged F1) and F1'98. One a worthy successor, the other a load of jiggling pap designed to take your money and run on the back of its predecessor. I'm not against sequels if they're good and mark a decent progression in gameplay. Tomb Raider is a prime example of generic follow-onitis in its sequels while Gex 2 is a good example of how to move a recognisable character on. I don't see why we can't have both sequels and original titles living together in peace and harmony.



Michael Foster