Look, Sega. When you mentioned that you were going to change and improve a few things, we might have misinterpreted your intentions over here in backward ol' Blighty. We seem to have, y'know, taken it as read that the implicit message was 'expect good things'. We appreciate the proper two-player mode. It's nice of you to have put that in, because beneath our stoic exteriors rage fires of eternal impatience and boundless petulance. We'd be really narked with the prospect of the extra loading that the VS mode-free Jap version has. So, again, cheers. Nice to know that you care and that.

But what's all this business with the borders adorning either vertical extreme of the screen? And the reduced frame rate? Or the occasional slowdown that the aforementioned problem entails? Well? This is the videogaming equivalent of going up to Little Orphan Annie and saying, "Hello, love. Are you all lonely and afraid in this big, bad city? Here, have this cardboard box." It's an absolute ******* joke. Do Sega think PAL TV owners are ******* stupid? What kind of ******* releases their ******* best beat 'em up without ******* putting the work in to get it right for people with ******* PAL TVs? It's almost as lame as piss-poor hacks who use asterixes to imply sweary ire, because they think it's clever or funny. The useless, brainless c****.

We didn't want extra moves or characters. VF3TB has enough for us, thanks. And the ones that it has are excellent. There was no need for any alterations to its control system or fighter balancing, either. Those elements were pretty much spot-on for the arcade original, and the quality of this conversion's combat reflects that. No, all we wanted was a couple of extra play modes. Just a few lousy, 10-minutes-to-program menu options. And what do we get? A comparatively ugly, squashed display and slightly (yet perceptibly) slower action.

We're all going to put advance orders in for Soul Calibur instead. That'll teach you.