Just to give you an idea of how FIFA 2000 plays, we'll give you a quick resume of a typical match. Read carefully, and try to grasp the very 'feel' of the game.

00:00 mins: Kick off. Players converge upon the ball in a staccato manner, due to a dismal frame rate (PlayStation), or with a graceful, well-animated aplomb that, nonetheless, barely conceals the mechanical nature of their AI routines (hi-spec PC).

00:01 mins: Mindful of tactics that have destroyed previous CPU-controlled FIFA teams, the player attempts to pass the ball through the midfield to his two forwards. But what's this? The midfield area is packed with players? The ball is bounced between teams in a boorish, bludgeoning war of attrition? For fans of British football, that may not sound too unrealistic, but it doesn't feel right, it doesn't look right and it sure as hell isn't entertaining. It's way too fast to be in any way, shape or form true to its real-life inspiration. It is, however, spookily reminiscent of those 'bumper' things that you get at the top of pinball machines. You know the ones, when the ball gets knocked rapidly back and forth in a seemingly random manner? It's just like that.

00:01 mins: Having knocked the ball to a forward, said player dashes full speed towards his opponent's goal. There's a risible touch of slowdown as the frame rate judders (PlayStation) and a notable lack of defensive nous or even awareness from opposition centre-backs (both formats). You tap the shoot button as you enter the area... and it's a goal! (Note: At this point, onlookers may begin to hum Elton John's Pinball Wizard, but this is purely optional. "Hooray," "Goal!" or "Can we play ISS instead?" are also possible chants.)

00:01: Goal celebrations, camera cuts to grief-stricken defenders and head-holding goalkeepers. "It's more realistic than real life!" you might remark. Or at least you would if the preceding action had been even remotely persuasive - which, of course, it wasn't.