There are more questions than answers, or so the song goes. But, as far as this standfirst is concerned, that's blatantly not the case. "Yes," "No," "A big stick with nails in," "Football my arse!" and "Buy something, anything else," are our replies. To discover the initial queries, you'll just have to read the review...
James Price

Question: Which of the following football-related statements is a lie?

A: I, your humble scribe, could qualify to play for the Republic of Ireland because my grandmother once farted during a Guinness commercial.
B: Paul Scholes has never suffered the indignity of his red Man Utd shorts 'riding up', revealing an inadvertent testicle. Oh, and some ginger fluff.
C: At the end of this review, FIFA 2000 is awarded an overall score of - shock! - 72 per cent.

Answer: It's C. FIFA 2000 actually attains a grand rating of 56 per cent.

FIFA 2000 is, in terms of production values, presentational niceties and endless neat aesthetic touches, a near peerless masterpiece. Year in, year out, the televisual nuances of the FIFA series continue to astound. This year's update of the franchise is no exception; indeed, it's a stylish reminder that games that offer traditional, warts-'n'-all front ends are, effectively, short-changing their devotees. Why shouldn't a videogame rival its TV and cinema peers in this respect? Why should we settle for an arbitrary FMV clip, followed by an elementary, text-based menu? For your services in this field, we salute you, FIFA.

But, and we're pouring our hearts out here, we'd prefer to admire you for your footballing expertise. We'd love to gasp at your authentic grasp of tactics and technique. To remark upon the differences between your many representations of real-life teams would be divine. It would be ace - no, really - to remark "England were pretty insipid in the middle of the park in that game, hey?" to an audience of mates. And to have it be true, with a realistic, variable, multi-integer AI system ensuring that teams have convincing 'off' matches, rather than simply, arbitrarily, losing.

In short, wouldn't it be amazing if FIFA 2000 owed more to football than it does to, say, pinball?