Game Kid has masterminded a jail break and tunnelled out of Her Majesty’s confinement. His time inside only served to fuel a dream of interactive utopia and a desire to spread the word still further. With little thought and less preparation, the Kid squares up to Magnus Magnusson on national TV.

The studio lights are dimming; Game Kid settles back in the famous black chair; while Magnus shuffles his question cards...

MM: Your name is Game Kid, a computer games expert (cough) of no fixed abode. Your chosen specialist subject is 'console games, 1848 to the present day', and your sixty seconds starts... now: On the PlayStation, what is the secret of success in Actua Soccer 3?

GK: Pass.

MM: Correct. Staying with the PlayStation: what happens in the game International Track and Field if you throw the javelin at full power at an angle of more than 60 degrees?

GK: A line of topless chorus girls appears, doing the can-can.

MM: No; a UFO appears over the stadium with a javelin protruding from it. What is the game GoldenEye?

GK: A bizarre sexual practice?

MM: I'm sorry, I can't accept that. It is in fact a game where you pretend to be James Bond and shoot up bad guys.

GK: That's what I said!

MM: Who is the star of the game Tomb Raider?

GK: James Bond?

MM: No; Lara Croft. What was Sega's strategy when they brought out the Dreamcast?

GK: Haven't a clue.

MM: Correct. What is a 'rumble pak'?

GK: A vegetable vindeloo?

MM: No it is a device inside a controller which makes it vibrate. What make of controller do female console players favour?

GK: Pass.

MM: Any - so long as the controller has a rumple pak. What do you do towards the end of a game if, after a long console session with a mate, you're staring down the barrel at a particularly embarrassing defeat?

GK: You stab the power button off irritably and stalk out with the words, 'It's a crap game anyway'.

MM: Correct. What… ?

Beep! Beep! Beep!

MM: I've started so I'll finish: What do say to yourself if it’s three o'clock in the morning, you want to finish the level you're on, but will still have to get up for work?

GK: I've started so I'll finish.

MM: No. You say, 'Fuck this; I'm going to bed'.

At this point armed police swarm into the studio and drag off Game Kid, who screams as he's being cuffed, "Call this a quiz show? It's a fix, I tell you!"


NEXT WEEK: Eric Cantona talks about Tekken 3.