"Mmm... thank-you very much. Number Three?"
A husky voice seems to glide seductively round the screen to Game Kid, bringing with it a hint of roses mixed with female hormones.
"Well Game Kid, I don't think you're going to get bored with me - particularly after you've gone down in my box..."

The audience gives Number Three a 10 minute standing ovation, Cilla dashes round the screen to show how 'astounded' she is, and Game Kid is noticeably dribbling. Eventually, order is restored.

"That's three very good answers Game Kid. And what a tough decision to have to make!"
"Well hardly, I'm obviously going to pick Number T-"
Cilla smoothly lays a cooling hand on Game Kid's elbow. "But don't make your mind up just yet, because here's our Graham with a quick reminder!"

"Well Game Kid, will it be contestant Number One, the knee wobbler? Or will it be filthy number two, who'd like to go fast with you (the audience look at each other blankly; Number Two looks pissed off)? Or will it be Number Three, the one we all know you're going to pick? The choice, is yours!"

"Whoar! We've all 'ad a lorra lorra fun tonight with you, Game Kid (there is an unmistakable glint in Cilla's eye), but now it's decision time. Who are you going to pick?"
"Number three."

The audience goes wild; Game Kid permits himself a satisfied grin; Cilla shows off her slightly knowing smile - which Game Kid doesn't like the look of at all.
"An excellent choice," Cilla glitters. "But look who you turned down. You tuned down Number 1 and that's GoldenEye from Nintendo! Come in GoldenEye!"
Game Kid is suitably disappointed.

"No you can't change your mind,"chides Cilla.
"And look who else you turned down. You turned down the sleek and lovely Sega Rally! Come on in Sega Rally!"

As Cilla makes her doom-laden final announcement Game Kid is showing signs of concern: the bulge in his trousers has subsided somewhat, and now it's the sweat on his forehead which is standing out.

"And now, Game Kid, your blind date tonight is... Michael Owen's World League Soccer on the PlayStation!"
"Oh for fuck's sake..."

NEXT WEEK: Bill Gates talks exclusively to Game Kid, (to be confirmed).