THE PC
If you bought a PC as a games machine, you're stupid. I could pummel you scientifically with numbers, quoting how many tremendous games you could buy on top of both a Playstation and N64 for the price of an adequate PC set-up, and how the cost of upgrading and repairing the PC will always keep ahead of merely carrying on buying new games for the consoles, before turning to the mind-shattering awfulness of actually using a PC, but the boisterous pointing is funnier. Stupid. Stupey stupe-o. You bought a PC as a games machine. All that money. Ha ha. Bignose.

The thing to remember about PCs is, there's never, ever been a computer as vilely, monstrously revolting to use in any kind of regular capacity. And the thing to remember about games is, they're meant to be fun and played with a lot. Have you spotted the flaw in the reasoning yet? Millions have so far failed.

The problem here is that "the" PC is really an infinite number of models. Typically they're put together with parts from a dozen manufacturers, leaving software houses weeping at the task facing them to make one game work on everything. Fortunately they're evil and can't be bothered writing games properly, just whacking up the box specs and leaving you to upgrade your machine again, so that's all right then. And that Windows 95, eh? At a stroke, PCs were up to 20% less inconceivably twisted to use, heralding a new dawn in gaming, even though no one could quite work out what it was and why they'd just paid £80 for it.

But let's say you're one of the gifted few who've managed to set up a games-based PC (multi-gigabyte hard drive, minimum 96mb of memory, lens-flaringly expensive 3D card, special joystick and so on). You are, in fact, secretly a technical engineer, trading in human misery by loudly championing the PC as simple and friendly in order to flypaper more clients. What can you expect to play?