Friday 16th April
Tried going shopping today, but thrown out of the shop on the grounds that they "don't serve tramps". Tried using my credit card in another place; fled when they threatened to call the police. Seven clean sheets in a row; bed getting decidedly greasy.

Saturday 17th April
Wife came to the house. Must have been upset because she was holding a handkerchief to her face. Took cat with her, sadly, which has now become so feeble it no longer even tries to bring you down as if you're a wildebeast. After leaving me some food, she also told me that she was divorcing me, and that I should get help. Taking her advice I've signed Sean Dundee on loan from Liverpool.

Sunday 18th April
We're going so well in the league I've decided to give the lads a day off. Got note from neighbours threatening to report me for not putting my rubbish out. Socks so hard I can use them for fly swats.

Tuesday 20th April
Glory glory Wycombe Wanderers! Promotion to Premiership. A P45 from my employers in post, and a letter from my wife's solicitor. Haven't eaten again for days. Tried raiding bird table; beaten off by a blue tit.

Wednesday 21st April
Lads fear no-one in Premiership; campaign on course. Tried measuring my thing. It seems to have disappeared like a terrier up a badger hole.

Friday 23rd April
Found a pack of cottage cheese today. Delicious. Looked at the carton later. It said 'Milk'. Premiership in first season in top flight secured. Tomorrow: the Cup Final. Early night. Couldn't sleep, though my boils no longer hurt.

Sunday 25th April
Strange, wonderful day yesterday. I was just settling back into a kind of woozy stupor, celebrating Wycombe's miraculous rise from the bowels of the league to a magnificent double, when I dimly heard a splintering at the door. Policemen and stewards in white coats were surrounding me. Was there some kind of crowd trouble? That's right, they said, as they escorted me through the throng and flashing cameras outside the stadium and into the back of the comfy team bus. They've put me up in a lovely, bright hotel and promised to let me know the moment a big club comes in for me. What sweetness, the taste of success.