"At the yellow terminal we have Clive, winner of our midlands final. Clive is five, has an IQ of 340, owns his own company and his hobbies include making money and making even more money.

"Over at the blue terminal we have Victoria. Victoria is 13 years old and won our southern final. Victoria has no other hobbies except riding her pony around her father's 5,000 acre estate, and when she grows up she wants to become a horse.

"Last, and probably least, at the red terminal we have Game Kid, winner of our final for those with no fixed abode. Game Kid is 21 (cough), although he has the mental age of a 15-year-old. His hobbies include Actua Soccer, badger baiting and trawling the Net for pornography. His aim in life is to always remain one step ahead of the police.

"Welcome to the final, all of you. Clive, what programs will you be making for us today?"

"For starters, I'm going to write a program which should enable surgeons, at the touch of button, to perform the world's first successful brain transplant operation. My main program is designed to produce world peace in approximately 10 years."
"Errr, right... Phew! Victoria, tell us about yours."
"For starters, I'm going to create a point and click Design Your Own Show Jumping Arena. My main program is designed to make collecting tax from the poor more simple for the Inland Revenue."
"Sounds wonderful. Game Kid?"
"For starters, I'm going to create a game called International Cheese Rolling With Machine Guns. For afters I'm serving up a medley of Sex and Bigoted Propaganda, downloaded from the web."

"Errr, right... Okay, let's get programming!"

Dah dah, do, da-da, dah... boom-boom-boom-boom!

A couple of hours later...

"Okay! We've had our judgely cuddle; we've thought long and hard, and reaching a decision was very difficult, wasn't it gentleman?"
"Ah, merde; zut alors!"
"That's amazing."
"Yeeeas... But we do have a winner; and the winner of Masterprog 1999 is... Clive!"

Polite applause.

"Clive? And where is Game Kid? Oh, there you are. Clive, are you all right? You look a bit peaky... Have you got anything to say for yourself?"
"Errr... Anyone want a game of Actua Soccer?"