This Week: And now on BBC1, it's time to join Lewd Gooseman for the last in the series of Junior Masterprog...

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"Hello, good evening and welcome to a very special edition of Junior Masterprog. For weeks now, hundreds of young programmers from up and down the country have been battling it out for the coveted title of Junior Masterprog '99; and now, after facing a series of stiff playtests from a dole queue of C list celebrity judges, there are just three hopefuls left - because today is the Grand Final.

"The standard of competition this year has been absolutely unbelievable - almost as unbelievable as my feeble attempt to look 'yooful' by dressing up in a pair of 501s and a turtleneck sweater. But it's high time now, without further a cliché, that I dredged up our first guest. He's French, so you won't be able to understand a word he's saying unless you've had an Oxbridge education like me. He's just opened an award winning internet Cafe in London; please welcome to the keyboard Anton Frenchperson!"

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"Hello Anton, welcome to Junior Masterprog. What made you first get involved in the Internet and online gaming?"
"Merde, zut alors! Pour allet au chateaux a la micro processor."
"Quite so: I simply adore that too... And now it's time to meet our other guest. He's a former Blue Peter presenter who's now out of work because, despite his square-jawed good looks, he can't ad lib and merely repeats himself all the time; so please welcome Peter Stuffwit!"

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"Welcome to the show, Peter. Tell me, what kind of games do you like?"
"That's amazing."
"Right... Any particular amazing game?"
"That's amazing."
"Okay... I think it's time we met the really important people now: the finalists!