This week: The job centre...

"Ah welcome, Mr Smith! Do come in! It's so good to finally meet you and see that you really do exist after all - I was beginning to think that perhaps you were a figment of our collective imaginations!"
"Come again?"
"Allow me to introduce myself, as you probably didn't bother to read any of the umpteen letters I've sent you. My name is Mr Brown and I am what is known as a client advisor - which means I help lazy sods like you get jobs by threatening to cut your benefit."
"Charmed, I'm sure."

"What we're going to do together over the next twenty minutes or so is draw up what's called a Job Seeker's Agreement. Do you know what that is? It's something that will help you find work. Now isn't that nice?"
"Work-k-k? Nope. You've got me there."
"According to our records you've only ever applied for one job, and that was two years ago. And on that occasion, all that the prospective employer received, wrapped in the application form which you clearly forgot had your name printed at the top, was a turd."
"I told them all about myself."
"Indeed, but in more detail than even they required, I should imagine. You then, I read here, proceeded to break a leg; an injury for which you've been receiving sickness benefit ever since."
"I'm a slow healer."
"Evidently. Tell me: what kind of work do you think you might be really interested by?"

"I've always fancied being some kind of heroic sword and sorcery-type figure, actually. There doesn't seem to be much call for that sort of thing these days, though."
"No... unfortunately there isn't. I think we're going to have to set you some more realistic goals. What qualifications do you have?"
"A CSE in religious studies, ungraded."