This week: Game Kid realises that all is not fair in love and war, even in St Valentine's week... with the usual hilarious results.

"Online gaming is all well and good," pontificated the Kidmeister on the EffNet #pontificate channel one sullen February afternoon as political situations the world over deteriorated and his sock mould intensified, "but it's not what it used to be. I mean, once upon a time you could be sure of a gritty head-to-head deathmatch that would really test your skills. Nowadays it's just too easy. If this were a real war, well, the cannon fodder being chucked in would end up as mulch before you could say 'Wireplay'. Don't you reckon?"

"UNREAL SUX. WORMS ROOLS! KINGPIN SUX. QUAKE III ROOLS!" came a response.

"R U A GURL?" came another.

"How old are you, young fella-me-lad? Would you like to see some puppies?" a third virtual voice enquired.

Game Kid sighed and waited for Maven_Girl to come online as she usually did around this time of the PM. As the IRC years had passed, GK had become more and more aware that hooking up with an occasional intelligent stranger was a rare as Liverpool winning some silverware.

"GAME KID SUX. GAME KID IS A CANT!" chorused three striplings as one, in several colours, until they were all kicked for flooding.

Then, as 3pm came around, she appeared in all her 8-point courier glory.

"Lo Mav"

"Lo GK"

"R U OK"

"Yes, I am still okay. And please stop using that adolescent language."

GK laughed to himself as he poured a fresh glass of Chateau Vin De Pla-de-Bru-de-Roi ('99). How they loved to josh each other along.

"Do you fancy a game of Quake, babe?" he asked, fag ash peppering his Y-fronted front.

"If you promise not to sulk when I kick your ass from here to Chiwipinchugauga as usual." He could almost touch her golden tresses, smell her perfumed under-arms and taste her beer-flavoured lipstick as he read the screen and referred to the portrait he'd been making of her out of downloaded jpegs.